Reflective Post

This semester, my involvement with digital writing has been higher than in any previous semester. Do I feel smart? Brave? Vulnerable? Accomplished?

I actually just feel pretty much the same.

You see, I engage in “digital writing” more than I’d like, because our culture – and our education – is so reliant on technology. I can’t remember the last time I wrote something solely on paper and didn’t have to share it with the world. Frankly, I’m not even really a fan. Blogging in of itself is fun because I enjoy typing, and I enjoy archiving my work. But proclaiming it to the world can wait, in my opinion. Privacy is a thing of the past.

But enough about my reactions. The point of this post is to reflect on my experience with digital writing as a student and a future teacher. So let’s get to it….

I noticed that our professor, Dr. Scanlon, took a leaf out of Troy Hicks’ book The Digital Writing Workshop by making this mandatory blog component for our class. One of the benefits of blogging that Hicks points out is that it allows students to get their ideas out in the open for exposure and peer feedback. Because blogging allows readers to comment, students can learn from their peers’ without direct confrontation; it’s all done on a computer screen. In our own class, I did enjoy getting and giving feedback to my classmates, if nothing more than for the sake of communication and encouragement. It was also affirmation that SOMEONE was reading my stuff. SOMEONE knows what I’m thinking. And as long as I don’t think horrible awful things, that can kind of be a good thing.

When I’m a teacher, even though I prefer to write with pen and paper, I can see myself integrating blogging into my class assignments. I like the idea of my students being able to confer with each other, and have a digital space that they can customize to an extent. Teens thrive on self-expression and communication with peers; in light of that, what better way to get students to write than to trick them into it with computers and friends?

To be completely honest, I used to blog consistently and I haven’t for a while, simply because school has knocked the wind out of my desire to write. Keeping up with this blog has been a challenge because it’s been one more thing to do. But at the same time….. it actually has been nice to have an assignment that I could do in my own informal language, as long as I addressed the assignment requirements. It’s been low-stress compared to all other assignments, so in that respect I didn’t mind it that much. I’m glad that I successfully completed seven, so my requirement is met. This is my last mandatory post, but I’ll keep my WordPress. Who knows; maybe after I graduate and the academic dust settles, I’ll pick it up again just for fun.

Thanks to all of my classmates for reading my stuff and giving me feedback. You guys rock, and you’re all going to be great teachers and writers someday. Let’s make it to the finish line; we are so close!

Cheers.

The Digital Writing Workshop – Review

So we got to pick our second textbook, and I chose The Digital Writing Workshop by Troy Hicks because the cover looked more hip and awesome than the other book. So without further ado….

Hicks’ book present the reasons why digital writing is useful, and how to implement it in the classroom so that students are learning the writing process but are engaging in it in a completely virtual way. He asserts the need to cultivate “digital literacy:” the ability to function with and communicate through the written word using technology. This can be as simple as a text message or as complex as virtual presentations. He introduced blogs, wikis and collaborative word processors as three of the main ways to use digital writing in the classroom so that students can collaborate with each other. This semester, Dr. Scanlon had us capitalize on the blogging idea, which is why I even have this blog in the first place! One of the reasons why tech tools such as blogging works is because it allows students to give each other feedback in an informal but recorded way (and even the teacher). Hicks says, “Digital response allows you time to pause and reflect on each student’s needs…. digitally capturing these responses provide a permanence that talk during a face-to-face conference does not” (37). Also, direct commentary on a specific work or part of a work, whether from a student or teacher, makes sure that the commenter is practicing only critiquing the work and not the writer, and that the writer takes the comment for what it is and not personally.

I thought it was interesting that Hicks included visual and aural productions in the category of digital writing – he includes podcasts, photo-essays, digital videos and screencasts. I can understand their usefulness in the English Language Arts classroom for projects, because students have a wide variety of learning styles, interests and talents. But I never would have considered them as “writing” tasks of any kind. But I suppose that’s what comes of the digital age we live in. Using the English language isn’t just confined to reading, writing and speaking. We have so many new avenues through which we can demonstrate lingual proficiency, at the same time developing digital literacy and being able to function with technology.

When I’m a teacher, even though I prefer to write with pen and paper, I can see myself integrating blogging into my class assignments. I like the idea of my students being able to confer with each other, and have a digital space that they can customize to an extent. Teens thrive on self-expression and communication with peers; in light of that, what better way to get students to write than to trick them into it with computers and friends?

Hicks also suggested using a Wiki to make a class anthology, and that’s something I could definitely see myself using if I were to require samples of my students’ works. Since a Wiki can be modified by multiple users, I could allow each of my students to have their own pages on which they can post their work. That way, the class has a “website” and each of the students have their own page. It’s all in one place and easy to find, but it’s organized as well.

TechTrek!!!!…???

1. I used to consider myself to be a “digital native.” By that, I mean I know a heck of a lot about the internet, how to use it, where I can find useful tools… if I don’t already know about it, then I can probably find it. But the list Dr. Scanlon provided of educational supplement websites/software, I only knew 12 out of 27. Maybe that’s because I don’t like to use a heck of a lot of technology when teaching, because I think too much technological support can get confusing. But I should probably add these extra resources to my repertoire!

2.

• TodaysMeet – This looks like a glorified private chat room for teachers and students to communicate and collaborate. Not only that, it seems that there’s the option to actually conduct lessons, share documents and control how long you want the “room” to run. I like this option, because it allows me as the teacher to create a customizable environment for my classroom online. I would use this for extra credit opportunities and study help; students could log on and check in for supplemental help from me on lessons. Here they could ask questions, repeat material, and feel comfortable on their own computer, and at the same time I would be reinforcing class time.
• SchoolTube – It’s Youtube for school! I love this, and I didn’t even know it was a thing. This offers a large selection of education-minded videos that I can choose from to support my lessons. This weeds out all of the crappy videos of waffles talking to toothbrushes and gives me a solid selection of USEFUL visual aids. Also, I won’t have to worry about running into inappropriate material.
• ScreenCast-O-Matic – If I’m correct, it looks like you can not only take screenshots, but actual videos of what you’re doing on your computer screen. Now I understand how computer tutorials on Youtube are conducted…. this is awesome. If I were either teaching virtually or offering supplemental materials online, I could provide my students with “screencasts” of how to do bibliographies online, how to search online databases or how to use complicated new technologies like Prezi.

3. Dr. Scanlon provided us with a list of online resources that we can pull from to continue our own professional development as educators, even when we leave the classroom. To be honest, I always assumed my professional development would occur within  my school, and through collaboration with my fellow teachers. I don’t learn well virtually at all, to be honest. But these resources give me the chance to work on my practice when it isn’t convenient for me to attend professional development events in person. (This is with the exception of Pinterest…. I get a lot of good ideas from Pinterest…. about 50 times a day. :D)

But for students, I think offering virtual learning opportunities is great, because a lot of kids are very tech-savy. I know for me, I can type all day – and would prefer to, because it doesn’t hurt my hand like writing does. I can assume many kids would agree with me. GoodReads is a site that lets kids record what they read, get recommendations based on their “libraries,” and talk about those books with friends. SurveyMonkey is a free survey site that lets kids conduct research. Sites like Prezi are fun and free alternatives to PowerPoint so kids can make their own presentations… the list continues with a myriad of resources for kids to complete assignments online. The benefits are that students can complete this at home (assuming they have internet access), and most students are quick at picking new technologies up. It’s bright, fun and creative, as well as simplified to one screen, whereas a multitude of print-outs and markers and poster-boards get messy and disorganized. A difficulty that I can imagine running into, however, would be for those kids who are so snappy with technology that they breeze through their assignments like it’s a game and don’t even try, substituting content for fun graphics. But for the most part, this is the future that our students are coming into – an almost-entirely-digital age.

4. Jane Hart’s Top Tech Tools Around the World slide shows how education is being impacted and enhanced by technology internationally. Twitter is #1 on the list for the 6th year in a row, which is interesting because I used to use Twitter religiously and I can’t see how beneficial it would be, other than sending reminders to students on their feeds. Yet, this “micro-blogging” is the most popular tool right now. Pinterest is in the Top 20, which I’m happy about. I love Pinterest because you can control what information and ideas you keep on your boards. While you have a feed, the main draw of Pinterest is what YOU want to see. This is a great archiving tool for teachers to try new ideas in the classroom. As I clicked through Hart’s list, I felt better about my familiarity with good tech tools because the most trusted and loved sites and programs that teachers use internationally are mostly the ones that I love – Microsoft Word, Facebook, Google Search, Skype and TED. These are favorites because they are time-tested and they WORK.

5. The Tech Trek provided a version of Bloom’s Taxonomy that chunks appropriate web tools with their corresponding levels on the model. For example, the “Remembering” level – the most basic level on the scale that only requires knowledge – includes NinjaWords (a really fast dictionary site) and Carrot Sticks (a basic math problem practice site). As you move up the scale to higher-order levels, the websites become more extensive. At the top of the scale in the “Creating” category – putting all your knowledge to work and coming up with something on your own – you’ll find Glogster (where students can create “glogs” – personal, interactive digital posters) and Wikispaces (where students can create their own websites and customize it).

What I gather is that while all tech tools are incredibly useful, they are not all useful for the same things. One site may not be appropriate for a specific task because it is too advanced (or not advanced enough). When integrating technology into my lesson plans and assessment designs, I need to take the time to explore different options on the web and find sites that accurately address the level I want my students to achieve. Google Search is an appropriate option if I want my students to Understand content; however, if I need them to apply their understanding to develop something new, I might ask them to design their own Prezi presentation. Not all sites are created equal!

6. Now that I’ve surveyed so many different tools that are out there on the web, I am going to try to incorporate new tools into my planning, both in my class demos and my internship lessons. It would be helpful to test them out before I go charging into the real world. More importantly, I’d like to play with them all when I have the time and create a comprehensive list for my future students that categorizes the resources based on their function. That way, I can give my students a choice in the tools that they use for projects. But at least my list would give them a place to start!

Untitled.

bitterness drips from your words.

a stony eye, a solid tone,

and stiffened joints with concrete bones.

a smile bent by crooked thoughts,

a heart that beats, but pulses not.

these hands were only ever taught

to take and then to pass along,

and fold in when they’re wrong.

the skin is thick; the rib-cage, tight,

and holding back with all its might

the lungs that try to breathe at night.

an eyebrow arched, the forehead creased.

it seems that just a little yeast

is all it takes to make a beast

out of the innocence.

and you don’t even wince. 

Goin’ to the Chapel…..

On Sunday, I watched my best friend get married to the love of her life.

It’s not my first time as a bridesmaid, and it won’t be the last – I’ve got two more dresses to buy in the next 6 months for other brides that I love dearly, one of whom I’ve known for 10 years and will probably cry for as well.. But I was not prepared to be so emotionally invested in a wedding that wasn’t my own. This particular time kicked me in the butt, HARD. Why? I don’t cry at weddings. I knew this wedding was coming. I’m still going to see her all the time because we work together, and she lives closer to me now in her new apartment. What pushed me over?  All I know is when I saw Joy in her dress, I started to laugh, and then started to sob, and she had to hug me to help me hold it together.

I have known Joy and Jesse since the inception of their relationship. In fact, I like to tell people that I’m responsible for getting them together. After all, I let them ride in the backseat of my car to pick up pizza, which is where Jesse decided to ask her to prom (so I guess he’s really responsible, not me. But still!). Ever since then, I’ve loved them dearly, separately and as a unit. I began my own relationship just a few months later, and Joy and I have walked together through the highs and lows of adulthood, commitment and love for the past four years. She’s called me venting, I’ve cried in her car. We’ve laughed hysterically at awkward questions we have for one another that we have no problem addressing when no one’s around. We’ve mutually recognized the desperate need to chill out, and have run off to the beach to escape from life. We’ve encouraged each other through Christ. She’s patiently adjusted her plans to accommodate my convictions. I’ve prayed for her strength in hard times, even up to the day before the wedding when the caterer ran out of barbecue sauce and we had to go get it. I love this girl, and for a long time when I was younger, I was afraid I was never going to have a real best friend.

The thing about Joy is that she has always had my back, no matter the circumstances. College is a pretty scary set of years to charge through when you have no experience, and I’ve definitely had my downs. But during one of the downest downs I’ve ever had, I remember sitting on her couch with a bowl of chocolate ice cream in pathetic tears, the kind where you look like you were stung by a bee in your corneas. With my mouthful of chocolate, I apologized for talking so much, but she laughed. “Don’t apologize,” she told me. “I love hearing you vent. You need it. See, here’s the thing. You’re my best friend, so my job is to listen to you and be on YOUR side. I don’t always have to agree with you, but I’m definitely on your side.” I’ve never forgotten that, because having someone on your side at all times is a rare beauty. And it’s not that she’s in my fan club. Joy’s never been afraid to tell me when I’m wrong. But it’s always tempered with love, and I can handle that. Honesty is the best policy, and it keeps us close.

And now she’s married. My Maid of Honor speech went surprisingly well (except that I accidentally said that Joy is “probably” my best friend). I looked over at Jesse, who had a loopy smile plastered on his face since the start of the ceremony, and told him that if she was this good of a friend to me, she was going to be ten times the wife to him. Joy has got the love thing down. Her loyalty is unfaltering, even when she’s mad as heck (and I would know, because I’ve been there for most of her angry outbursts). This girl never says a word against her man, even when he’s messed up. No matter how hard she’s hurting, she manages to maintain her self-respect and still back him up through everything. She takes the wife thing pretty seriously. It’s her life now, and I admire it. During the ceremony, while Jesse mumbled through his vows with a lovestruck smile, Joy grinned like the most confident woman in the world and squeezed his hands as she practically recited her vows to him like a Broadway monologue. She was so excited to promise herself to him forever. But beyond that, she’s determined. It won’t all be roses and sunshine – she knows that. But Joy’s gonna do it anyway, because that’s just Joy.

God has used Joy to teach me a lot of necessary qualities that don’t come naturally to me. Joy has demonstrated patience, loyalty, understanding and forgiveness in ways that boggle my mind. And the latest lesson God has taught me, just through my best friend? The beauty of marriage.

She walked down the aisle with the biggest smile, and I regret to inform my readers that I sobbed again… like a baby. I feel better knowing that her sister and our other friend were doing the same thing. Actually, I think the whole bridesmaid team was in shambles at that point. But we had waited for this day for almost a year, and Joy was finally feelin’ the moment, and she was about to kiss her groom – FOR THE FIRST TIME. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it’s possible to go four years through a relationship without kissing (and it goes without being said, without the big finale as well :P). I dunno how she resisted kissing, because I personally love kissing my David. Haha. (Actually I know for a fact that it drove her slowly insane…) But it was something Jesse felt convicted about spiritually, so for four years they kissed on the cheek. But when the pastor said to “Kiss the Bride,” Jesse laugh, took a breath, and then it was actually pretty perfect. We all wondered if he would miss, but he made it! The cheering was unstoppable. Then, when we were supposed to be taking pictures, they hilariously picked up her skirt and took off running behind the trees. Maybe he needed to tie his shoes or something…

“Praise the Lord” was the phrase of the day, and I couldn’t agree more. Joy and Jesse’s commitment reminded me that marriage is a gift, and a beautiful picture of unconditional love and sacrifice. In the book of Ephesians chapter 5, Wives are instructed to respect, honor and follow their husbands as the Church submits to Jesus Christ, and husbands are to lay down their lives and love their wives as Christ did for the Church. It’s a beautiful picture, and unfortunately there’s a lot of sin and pain in this world that distorts that and turns it ugly. But through Christ’s example of perfect love and the power He gives His followers, marriage can be redeemed, and be a lifelong learning process for the couple and a testimony to the world about TRUE love – sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment and codependency in the best of ways.

Thank You, God, for the people you put in my life to teach me how to look more like You. Thank You for valuing friendship enough to surround us with brothers and sisters in the Church, to keep us from being lonely and to build us up in You. Thank You for true love in its best form – not the feel-good Disney kind, but the real kind that challenges us to be better people and is the best human gift there is. Thank You, most of all, for Your love, which is infinitely deeper than anything we could grasp in this lifetime. Dear God, You are my Rock, my Salvation, my Comforter, my Protector. I adore You.

Despite the fact

that I had already started this blog before Spring 2015 semester began, it seems an official (graded) introductory post is in order! Heads up WordPress – my primary use for my blog until the end of April is for one of my classes. So without further ado….Let’s move on.

My name is Jessie. I’m a native Floridian – born and raised right here in the middle of the Sunshine State. Along with my residency comes some of the classic Floridian traits: I’m a Disney World fanatic, I don’t own a winter coat, I go to the beach whenever I can, and gators are just another natural annoyance to avoid. When I’m not baking cupcakes at 4Rivers or assisting in kindergarten classrooms, I put on my cloak and sell magic wands to Muggles in Diagon Alley. True story.

I am the oldest of four – I have a 17 year-old brother and twin 12 year-old sisters. My parents are only 39 and 42! We are all pretty young, but I love my family to death. We also have the cutest dog in the world, and her name is Susie 🙂 I’m also dating the best man in the world, and his name is David. He’s the love of my life and my best friend, and we’ve been together for 4 years this month. I feel pretty flippin’ blessed.

I was homeschooed from 1st grade through graduation, and it was the best schooling I could have asked for. I love to debunk homeschool myths, and could spend all day defending the institution… but I won’t 🙂 But let’s just say I DID work hard, I was NOT allowed to sleep in every day, I DON’T live on a farm, and I ALWAYS had friends. We homeschoolers stuck together, and I dare say I had a more active social life than most normal kids. I even played Varsity basketball… but that’s another story.

Obviously, I’m in the Teaching Academy at UCF as an ELA Ed major with a Literature minor. But you all know this, because you are too 🙂 I am a huge bookworm, and (when I had the time) I used to write creative fiction and nonfiction like a fiend. I chose teaching because I feel so blessed to have had such a rich, compelling and effective education, and I know it’s largely because of the individual attention I received and my ability to play to my academic strengths. When I began observing other students, I was surprised to see how confused and/or unmotivated they were because the material wasn’t clicking. Over the past few years as I’ve trained to be a teacher, I’ve sought to find ways to connect the dots for kids in their personal learning style, despite learning disabilities, physical handicaps or social obstacles. I get so excited when I see the light bulb go on and it clicks for them. I love to see a student succeed – most times, all it takes is for the teacher to push the right buttons, and they do the rest 🙂 Ultimately, my passion is to become the best wife and mom I can be, teaching my kids to love to learn and to do everything the best that they can. I hope to adopt as well, and through love and support give them a chance to soar higher than they ever could before.

I help lead worship at my church college ministry, alongside David. I’ve only been doing it for nine months; a year ago, I was in tears whenever someone asked me to sing. But it’s crazy to see what I can do when I trust God with the talents He gave me! I’ve always loved to sing, but never this much 🙂

This post feels choppy to me. That’s because I’m just hitting bullet points, to be honest. I haven’t blogged in a while! But I’m also just skimming through my life because it is, after all, an introduction. So I’ll wrap it up! But before I go, I should mention the most important part of my life, and that is Jesus Christ my Savior and my God. From a blog’s POV, my life seems so big and involved and important, doesn’t it? Blogging makes us all look so important. But when I stop to think about my Savior, I feel small. Not in an insecure way, but in a way that melts me into awe of how big, how powerful, how beyond words He is. Although I mess up daily, Jesus is the reason behind everything I do, from working to teaching to writing to singing to pursuing marriage and family life. I have purpose because of Him. I have life, I have hope, I have love. He’s my everything, and I love to bring Him glory because He is so deserving of it all. I could go on for hours about my relationship with Christ, but I’ll save it for later posts 😛

He is the reason I have life. My stories are just little ways He tells His.

God is Able

I was instantly overcome with conviction this afternoon while driving to work. I lose focus on Him so frequently. So easily. I sing His praises on a Thursday and by Monday I am swept away by an avalanche of real life. Funny to me how I am so distracted by the life He has given me. Like a kid who can’t stop playing on his new Nintendo even to eat dinner with the family when Dad was the one who bought it for him in the first place.

I veered around the first curve of the S-bend on the backroad by Wekiwa Springs with the crushing weight of frustration at my own mind. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice (Romans 7:19). By the second curve, I was reading my Verse of the Day, no hands on the wheel. Dangerous but necessary.

At this point in my life, I’m well aware that any bit of Scripture in my life is an instant pick-me-up. Fills me with drive, gives me focus. Titus 2:12 was on the menu today, and God reminded to give up wordliness and keep striving to live a “self-controlled, upright and godly [life] in this present age.” I asked Him for an opportunity to glorify Him, even in my closing shift at work.

I got to work and got the chance to talk about life, God, faith and grace for almost an hour.

When I didn’t know how to express myself properly, He led me (as I stumbled and stuttered) through basic ideas. He directed the conversation. He opened doors. I left work almost in tears at how much my God loves His children. He loves us enough to make Himself evident. Enough to answer prayers, enough to hold our hands when we don’t know what to do.

I cannot shake the knowledge and the feeling that He’s right here, every second of every day. I am so blessed.

This Is the Year.

It is the first day of 2015, and for the first year in my life I am not tumbling headfirst through an emotional wave. I believe this is indeed a sign that I’m growing up – a little bit.

In previous years, I sat and sulked, or marveled at the changes that have occurred in the past twelve months, or wrote a list of resolutions that I never ended up keeping. You want to know what I did when the ball dropped last night? I toasted my first legal New Year’s Eve glass of champagne and went to bed with Rachel, my longtime family friend and roommate for the next few days while her family is staying at my house for another friend’s wedding. We caught up a bit and then knocked out. We woke up today, ate leftovers and went shopping. And now I’m just sitting like any other night. No heightened anxiety of the coming year, no ludicrous amount of excitement regarding all of my goals…. it’s just normal. I ushered in 2015 with a pretty even attitude. I don’t know why New Year’s has always been so emotional for me, but I’m glad this year I took it with a smile and a shopping spree.

The one common theme between all of my New Year’s Days, however, is the habit of blogging an inspirational post about how I’m going to become a full-time blogger. I am smart enough this year to know that it’s not practical to expect myself to be devoted to blogging daily. Why? Well, because I’m doing other stuff with my life. Does that make me a person who’s given up on her passions? Not necessarily… the things I’m doing now are actually pretty cool, stressful, important big girl stuff. I work three jobs now, I’m a full-time college senior, I’m four years into a relationship with the love of my life, and I’m stepping up in my college ministry as a leader. That’s pretty cool to say. For the first time I can say I’m pleased with where my life is at thus far. The most important thing I’ve learned is that’s all to the glory of God. Thank You Lord for carrying me this far! I have no regrets.

But I am making my ritual post anyway because I do love to pretend to be a writer when I have the time 🙂 This doesn’t have to go anywhere, or blow up into a million followers. If it does, that’s awesome. But I just want to post once in a while for funzies… Hopefully a little more consistently than last year (see previous post – pay close attention to the time gap between that one and this one)! I think this is a good year to keep tabs on, anyway. My life is moving somewhere, and moving somewhere fast.

This is the year.

This is the year that carries me through my graduation from UCF, something I never really thought I’d arrive at because it seemed so far away. But I’m eight months from walking that stage now, and I’m old enough now to recognize how time flies when you’re busy. This is the year that I complete two internships and really see what it’s like to be out there in the real world of education, working with adolescents. This is the year where I’ll undoubtedly build my experience through the worship team and see where it goes. This is the year where I’ll have to make some big girl decisions regarding career and personal life. This is the year where my relationship with David will definitely get much more challenging (aren’t all years?), but I am hopeful for us to meet the challenges with the strength, wisdom, love and grace that God is teaching us to have. This is the year where I will learn to love him better than ever before, and where I will learn more about who my man is than I previously knew… and that excites me. This is the year where I will continue to walk through some tough personal struggles that Satan is pushing onto me, but God is pulling me through because He has something for me at the end of this tangled, awkward, bittersweet life.

I have been humbled in 2014, and the biggest change I have noticed in myself is that despite how easily life distracts me, I end my days with a desire for Light. To see His glory, to lay aside my desires and goals and standards for the sake of my Lord and Savior. That’s not to say I’ve suddenly transformed into a saint… on the contrary, I’ve fallen into the mud more times this year than I thought possible. But His grace has been sufficient for me. In the past I would have rolled in my failures and cried. I cry a little less now because of the gift He’s given me of knowing that He’s got me covered. Covered by His blood, His grace, His love. It’s okay to push myself back up and keep walking. Never mind the bruises, He tells me. Never mind the scars, He says. Get up; go and sin no more. Do not be discouraged, do not be terrified, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Apparently, I don’t need to have all my ducks in a row in order to be lifted, loved and led by Him. No obligations? No conditions? Just to follow Christ, to recognize that my chains have been broken and I am able to walk free.

Free to do as I please? Technically, but why would I want to? Who am I to snub God in the face with my own puny little free will? He deserves all the honor and glory and devotion I can give. And all I can give at its best is mediocre and miniscule. But my God loves my efforts and accepts it with joy, like a father frames his daughter’s finger painting on the wall of his office.

I long to see Him glorified and most often I don’t know how to do so or I choose not to. But I want to see it. I want to see the clouds rolled back like a scroll and to see everyone around me fall to my knees to worship Him. Not that I even know what He looks like, but I still want to know. I want to see, hear, feel what it’s like to be THIS CLOSE to God. Sounds insane to ask for. But guess what? The way He’s designed it, I have the privilege of asking for and obtaining exactly that. Because my God wants me close to Him, and wants me to praise His name, even when I fail day after day, hour after hour. How crazy. How beautiful.

This is the year where God teaches me even more than He’s ever taught me before. I am aeons away from knowing even a sliver of what there is to know of Him, but I am excited for the portion He’s revealed to me thus far and for the next portion that’s coming.

This is the year….for what? Hm. Well, it’s just the year. This is the year. God’s got a lot for me up ahead. No doubt it’s going to be messy, uncertain and tough, but He has never left me alone and He has never let me down. I am excited to death to graduate, to move forward with David, to land a big-girl job, to make new friends, to become more skilled and have new experiences… But all of the milestones ahead are just beautiful presents given to me by the main Man upstairs. He’s the real goal.

There was a time when I would have rated Him below college, travel, love, marriage, kids, career, family. But now I can actually say He’s at the top. Not because I’m more spiritually mature or anything pompous like that. It’s not about me. It’s really just about the fact that my God is freaking awesome beyond compare, and I’d be an absolute idiot to make Him second to anything. I am His, and everything I do, have and am is His.

Last year, this year, next year, every year…. they are all His years. There is so much that I don’t know yet. But I am so thankful that He’s taught me that much.

Happy New Year!

Contributing to the Noise

Writing about writing is one of those things that pegs a person as an intellectual snob, and is deserving of exactly 579 over-exaggerated groans. However, I am NOT an intellectual snob. And I don’t like people groaning at me, mostly because the mental picture looks really uncomfortable. So I’m going to write about writing anyway, and hope you don’t mind.

You see, whenever I stop writing for a long period of time and then come back to it, I just feel the need to make my apologies to my inner writer and begin anew by acknowledging my mistakes and resolving to be a better person. I think that means I have an unhealthy imaginary friendship with myself.

But back to the whole point here…. I’m a lazy person.

I work, I go to school, I do dishes, I’m awake more than I’m asleep, but I’m inherently lazy. The only times I’ve ever written consistently is when I was shamefully addicted to blogging on Tumblr or scribbling sweet nothings to my personified notebooks in middle school. But now that I’m a big girl all growed up, I tend to commit to writing and then stop after a week. In the case of this blog, it looks like I came up with one post before calling it quits. Who’s to say this time will be any different? Not my inner writer, that’s for sure. She’s pretty fed up with my noncommittal personality. If she could break up with me, I’m sure she would’ve made her way to a more determined mind.

But I will tell you some of the reasons why I have justified my laziness when it comes to self expression. The first is my writing style. As you can probably tell, I’m all over the place with no real point yet. About 10% of the population would consider me absolutely genius, while the other 90% would be ready to slap me for being so ADD and choppy and sarcastic. When I try hard, pretty things come out of my mouth – or fingers, since I type mostly. But when I take breaks and get out of practice, this kind of crap comes out, and I am embarrassed. I hope you’re one of the 10%.

Another reason I justify not writing is because it’s just too easy to vent. And regardless of the therapeutic nature of screaming your frustrations via your extensive vocabulary, nobody likes a whiner. Or a gloater, or an obsessive dreamer, or an overly-happy person. Too much of any emotion makes a reader sick, which is why good writers can change it up. And me? Well, my emotions change all the time, but I just can’t keep up with them!

I also have a strange paradox of desires here for my writing. Naturally, I’d like an audience to show off to and share my experiences. But I’m too shy to let anyone in on my thoughts. Tumblr made it easy, but WordPress? That links to Facebook, and I know too many people. But maybe that’s a catalyst for change – no more venting, and only polished, constructive writing pieces! But then I don’t want to be one of THOSE people who show off all the time. But maybe I need to take ownership of my talent and showcase it for the glory of God like everyone else! But maybe it’s too personal still. Do you see my dilemma? I have cyber-stage fright.

But here’s a perfectly logical, annoyingly intellectual, collegiately typical justification for my hesitation to write:

What if I’m just contributing to the noise?

Try to ignore the obnoxious undertones here and consider my legitimate current struggle with the world. Everyone has something to say about everything. And with internet access on our laptops and phones and gaming systems, other peoples’ opinions, suggestions and instructions are available at the click of a button. This sounds like a great idea when your pipes are leaking or you want to make non-toxic deodorant. But people have begun to use the internet to voice their thoughts about everything unimportant and important. Some do it in an honest pursuit to help others, some do it because they are fighting something with a vengeance, and too many do it because they just like to see themselves type.

And I’ve bought into it. I feel like an idiot for saying so, but I have Googled solutions to mundane life problems one-too-many times. The kind of stuff that I should be figuring out on my own or with someone older and wiser than me. (The writers on About.com don’t count.) It gets confusing. It’s clogged up my ears to logic and truth. As soon as I recognized this, I abandoned Tumblr, I stopped writing myself, I frequently deactivated (and reactivated) my Facebook, I stayed away from the news sites and pursued the greater intelligence that can be grasped only within the pages of a real book. It felt great. It felt smart. It felt like truth. After all, if it was worth being printed, it must be worth believing.

But then during my Christmas shopping, I walked into the Christian book store and was overwhelmed with how many books are on the shelves being sold for $20 a piece, each advocating some new word from the Lord. Many authors contradicted each other, which is why there are so many. You’d think if they’re all hearing from the same Lord, there wouldn’t be that many different takes on how to follow Christ. It also struck me for the first time that all of these modern fathers of the faith are making bookoo bucks off of these paperback guides to life, and the store was making a business out of distributing them.

As a lifelong lover of christian book stores, I crumbled slightly at the realization that just because it’s sold here doesn’t mean it’s got God’s seal of approval on it. My mom made the comment that if an author is making a lot of money off of “a word from the Lord,” then something is wrong with the picture. I realized all of the books in the store except the Bibles were probably missing the mark.

If the Council of Nicea could eliminate extra, unnecessary books from the Cannon, then I think it’s safe to say that most Biblical supplements are probably unnecessary as well. Maybe misleading. Yet why do Christian authors write? Because God gave them a message? It’s definitely possible. But I wonder how many of them just like to hear themselves talk and see themselves type. And if so, that’s natural. All writers do. We like to share what we think, like I’m doing now.

But the problem with sharing what we think is that way too many readers take our thoughts to heart without doing their own thinking. And we wonder why society is getting dumber and dumber? Maybe because overly-confident writers are doing the thinking for them, and many of them are not even qualified to share their damaging opinions. When 50-bajillion people express themselves on the internet, the TV, the radio, on stages, at pulpits and in books for everyone to see, you can bet it causes a lot of confusion when people are searching for answers. In moments of desperation, emotional blindness or cognitive laziness, it’s way too easy to find someone else’s opinion that may or may not even be valid and cling to it because it works for you. I can tell you that I’m becoming more and more aware of how confused I am about the truth about being human, because I naively read and read and read and read countless peoples’ articles, books and blogs and took their thoughts to heart.

I should have made my own opinions first with nothing but a Bible in hand.

I don’t want to contribute to the noise. I like to voice my opinion, but I don’t want to be one more writer on the web that some college girl reads in the depths of her struggles and clings to my view because it’s easier to swallow than the seven other views she read prior to mine. I don’t want to add to the confusion. I am still fairly blind, and the blind should not be leading the blind.

But I’m probably going to anyway. Writers can’t really help it. And besides, I’m probably over-analyzing, which is what I do best. It just makes my head feel  better when it’s out, you know?

So yeah. To sum it up, I don’t trust most peoples’ opinions anymore, and I’m hesitant to share mine. We’re all too confused and too human to have much truth to offer, wouldn’t you think?I think the most refreshing thought right now is if all media could be replaced by pure Scripture, because it’s the only unadulterated Truth that still exists. And the irony here is that I have three copies sitting less than ten feet from me, and I don’t read it nearly enough.

Here’s to more professional posts in the future. Hopefully I’ll get back in the rhythm of writing like a big girl instead of the conflicted college student that I am. Haha. But more importantly, I’d like to get a better grasp on Truth. There is too much noise in the world. Christ’s Truth is the kind that is so quiet, you need to silence the wind to hear it, but it’s also so strong that you need to prepare for it.

So maybe I need to write again after all. I have no promises of getting a word from the Lord to share with my readers (will I even have readers on WordPress? Do people do that? I thought WordPress was nerdy in exchange for being respectable). But maybe I need to ignore all the noise on the internet and in the bookstores and on the TV so that I can only hear the dialogue between Truth, myself and the few people I respect in my life. I don’t claim any unshakeable opinions because I know my opinions are fickle. Maybe by writing, I can record a sort of dialogue between me and Truth so I can become more secure in Him in the midst of a lot of loud, confused humans. I forgot to mention this part of the cycle: the part where Jessie talks herself back into writing at the end of the post that states why she stopped writing. I always talk myself back into it.

Dear Inner Writer, I hereby pledge to you my attempt to write well and regularly. For the 11th time.

New York, New York, It’s a Wonderful Town

The rain doesn’t fall in drops here. It’s more of a drizzle. The kind that clings to your skin with an icy vengeance, plastered by winter wind and too tiny to drip off. A nearby hot dog vendor brings a smoky warmth to the air I breathe, temporarily arousing my numb nose to the sting of 27 degrees.

This is New York City.

It’s romantic in all of the best and worst ways. From the glamour of the fashion district to the dingy grime of dark alleys where dirty men sell neon-anything for a living, from the glowing marquees of brick Broadway theaters to the romance of Central Park’s stone bridges, the city doesn’t disappoint. I bury my chin deeper into my lavender scarf and squeeze through the throngs of strangers that were never taught to say “excuse me.”

Occasionally, I glance up at the skyscrapers that trap me in a human maze. It’s impossible to count their stories, because they disappear into the thick grey clouds. They stare down at me in all their steely greatness with a menacing pride, as if to remind me of my southern “inferiority.” I don’t mind it.

There are so many bright lights in the city that I’m convinced electricity seeps out of the billboards and into the civilians. Times Square stops me dead in my tracks. Dazzled, I stand in the street and absorb the artificial daylight that shines brighter and whiter than a Florida beach day. On all sides, I find American Eagle, Forever21, Disney, Starbucks, Olive Garden. Electrified, I’m determined to conquer every block. To my left, tourists are paying to pose with a demented character that bears a disappointing resemblance to Mickey Mouse. My Floridian pride shakes its head. I snicker at this side of NYC: the unabashed pursuit of reputation and revenue, not only intrinsic to the city but also to its independent “businesses” that peddle their gaudy trinkets and experiences on street corners.

I take the subway to Little Italy and find the streets comparatively deserted. Here, there are no neon lights, but soft yellow ones instead. Smiling hosts with thick accents stand outside “Julia’s” and “Amaggiano’s” and a host of other restaurants all the way down the block, bartering for our business with promises of free wine and unlimited breadsticks. Despite the frigid winter night, there’s a warmth here that makes me smile.

I end my night at Rockefeller Center. Decked in holiday reds and greens, the plaza brings a sentimental softness to the night. It’s like stepping into Miracle on 34^th Street. My energy slows to a childlike contentment as the street noise drifts into quieter laughs between groups of bundled-up families. This is the New York City I wanted as a kid. This is Christmas, comfort and perfection to me.

As I marvel at the twinkling Rockefeller tree, I realize that it’s well past midnight. But time is irrelevant in New York City because the lights are always on.